Not Just the Greased Chicken.

Truthful Tuesday

I had a couple to share today, but I’ll save the other one for later… maybe throw in a Truthful Thursday just to keep everyone on their toes.

Anyway, I have discovered a couple of character flaws recently, and I know the subject of this TT is due to conditioning. You see, from 1987 on, I was solely responsible for all familial living expenses when I was still married, and of course was responsible for my own afterward as well. While I’m not on the poverty level, I make substantially less than the average for my profession (the curse of working for a very small liberal-arts college). There just wasn’t a lot of excess money, and many more times than not I was having to worry about how to pay that doctor bill, or that electric bill, or even how to feed my family until the next payday. Even when my children were older and my ex went back to work, it was the case of her money being hers, and my money being ours. Twenty-some years of that mindset is hard to overcome.

Now, however, I am in a relationship with a woman who insists on paying for bills, and rent, and food, and even helping out one of my daughters when she needed a little extra cash recently. This has been difficult for me, and I hate that. I feel like I am failing her by not paying for everything. I know I’m not, but it is still so very hard to get over the feeling that it is expected of me. After all, I’m supposed to be the sole provider, right? I was told that by my ex when we were trying to reconcile, and since that had pretty much always been the case, who was I to argue? But Mindy not only happily (well, maybe happily isn’t the word…) shares in the bills, at times she pays for food, and gas, and all sorts of things when we are out. And I sit there and think, “That’s my job, and because she is doing it for me, I am failing her and being less of a man for her.”

I know. Really, I do. I’m working hard to overcome it, and she is patient with me. I honestly know the truth of the situation, and I am very happy to be in a relationship with someone who understands that I do have a problem with it, but she definitely has her work cut out for her in terms of deprogramming me.